Fear

I was born to a family of cowards. My parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins were all born and raised to be cowards. Don't get me wrong -- they are (or were) all capable, talented and some of them are quite brilliant.

But none of them have had the courage to follow a dream, to voice an opinion when it weren't safe to do so, to not follow the crowd, to stand up for any cause or to go after anything that weren't easily obtainable.

It's not something unique to my family. Being fearful actually quite common among Eastern European Jews. Centuries of prosecution breed fear, and then fear breeds more fear. Something like that.

I'd like to say that I am different, but I am not. I was brought up to be afraid of anybody in charge, to keep my thoughts to myself and to never risk a failure. It did sink in, too.

For many years I was scared day and night until one day I got really sick of being scared. I don't remember what day it was. But from that day forward I started being afraid a little less each day.

I squeezed as much fear out of my heart and mind as I could -- not all at once, of cause. It did take a few years.

Now it seems silly that I ever was afraid of people in charge. They are there to either be respected and liked if they deserve or to be disrespected -- not to be afraid of.

Also, my opinions are not something I hide any more. Those who know me know that i have opinions about pretty much everything and I tend to voice them even if they're not what the majority thinks.

The only thing I completely failed to eradicate is the fear of failure. It's still with me in its full blown force and it takes the most idiotic forms. For example I feel scared silly to go back to something I let go for a while. It may be checking an email I haven't checked for sometime. Or returning to an unfinished writing. Or connecting again with a social network from which I was absent for a month.

I was scared returning to this blog after a brake. Very scared.

I still am.

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Photo: paolo màrgari